far

The blistering pace of life sometimes leaves us lost to its cause. We spend most of our time seeking for a solution for life's betterment, an antitode to the loneliness that sometimes consumes us in our darkest hours. Happiness, joy, love, admiration, respect. These things make us happy, wholesome, complete to the world; and keep us away from man's biggest fear; to be alone, unwanted, unneeded and unloved.

There have been fleeting moments in life that I recall. Temporary moments which, in the blink of an eye, were gone. Most of this life I have spent evading and avoiding people, an endless trail of paranoia. Mistrust. For no apparent reason, other than the fact that I didn't want to feel that collective frustration of disappointment again.

In a world that never leaves you alone, wherever you head to wherever you walk and everybody is expecting something from you, or expecting you to be a personality. Be it for a positive reflection or a negative stereotype. The bustle of self importance is nothing but a reflection of water. Nothing.

I wonder how you did it Joan. How you let people in, let your guard down and embraced your mortal weakness, while your soul soared through its endless struggle. How you found love in others and made others love you. I have been trying for the longest time but there is too much mistrust in me towards others. I remember too well how it was like before the roller coaster ride started. The antagonizing the misunderstanding. And I can't let it go, but yet you did. You surrendered yourself to your greatest friends and the ultimate love affair; in death you hugged your days close like a worn out teddy bear. By your side they stood by you, unwavering, unchanging, and the one constant you could rely on. You achieved life's greatest feat and accomplishment; unconditional love.

I think you could have been a teacher to me, even if you are younger, you are much wiser. I can only hope one day I will be able to open up to people the way you did.

My greatest self defence is physical intimacy; shallow interactions and listless conversational dissections. To hope that they would fill the lull in me. To be in control of something I can easily control. A temporary escapism that, if I concentrate hard enough, might almost seem real and fulfil a sense of attachment. Then when it ends and the sighs die down, there it comes again. Invisible but solid like a brick wall. To kiss the lips of someone you hardly know and then pretend that for that moment in time, it really matters.

And as the wisps of your lingering memory wrap around me one last time, I can't help myself from slipping away even further.

levan