far

The blistering pace of life sometimes leaves us lost to its cause. We spend most of our time seeking for a solution for life's betterment, an antitode to the loneliness that sometimes consumes us in our darkest hours. Happiness, joy, love, admiration, respect. These things make us happy, wholesome, complete to the world; and keep us away from man's biggest fear; to be alone, unwanted, unneeded and unloved.

There have been fleeting moments in life that I recall. Temporary moments which, in the blink of an eye, were gone. Most of this life I have spent evading and avoiding people, an endless trail of paranoia. Mistrust. For no apparent reason, other than the fact that I didn't want to feel that collective frustration of disappointment again.

In a world that never leaves you alone, wherever you head to wherever you walk and everybody is expecting something from you, or expecting you to be a personality. Be it for a positive reflection or a negative stereotype. The bustle of self importance is nothing but a reflection of water. Nothing.

I wonder how you did it Joan. How you let people in, let your guard down and embraced your mortal weakness, while your soul soared through its endless struggle. How you found love in others and made others love you. I have been trying for the longest time but there is too much mistrust in me towards others. I remember too well how it was like before the roller coaster ride started. The antagonizing the misunderstanding. And I can't let it go, but yet you did. You surrendered yourself to your greatest friends and the ultimate love affair; in death you hugged your days close like a worn out teddy bear. By your side they stood by you, unwavering, unchanging, and the one constant you could rely on. You achieved life's greatest feat and accomplishment; unconditional love.

I think you could have been a teacher to me, even if you are younger, you are much wiser. I can only hope one day I will be able to open up to people the way you did.

My greatest self defence is physical intimacy; shallow interactions and listless conversational dissections. To hope that they would fill the lull in me. To be in control of something I can easily control. A temporary escapism that, if I concentrate hard enough, might almost seem real and fulfil a sense of attachment. Then when it ends and the sighs die down, there it comes again. Invisible but solid like a brick wall. To kiss the lips of someone you hardly know and then pretend that for that moment in time, it really matters.

And as the wisps of your lingering memory wrap around me one last time, I can't help myself from slipping away even further.

levan

Joan Chan Shu Fang

I went to a wake today. You might have read about her in the papers. Her name was ShuFang, and she died on Wednesday from cancer after months of struggling and going through pain. She wasn't a personal friend of mine, but a friend of a friend. Yet when I visited the wake toady I couldn't bring myself to look straight into the coffin. There was a profound sadness. She was only 19.

Then I looked around me. And looked at all her close friends, who were like sisters to her. So close, so real, so genuine, that they stood by her day and night from the time she was healthy and happy, to the time when she knew her days were numbered. When she was strong, till she became frail and a shadow of herself.

When her body was broken, they suppoted her soul, kept her spirits up, through her pain and suffering.

I never got the chance to know her in this life.
Bless her soul, for she is in a better place now. She may have lived only a short period of time on our mortal earth, but if a person's life is measured by the friends he/she makes, then may she live on forever and ever.

Be safe Joan Chan Shu Fang. You are in the arms of an angel now. And you have touched me greatly with how you chose to lead your life.

http://joanchanshufang.blogspot.com

Bring me back all your wild whimsical fancies

I remember the days and nights we'd spend alone in your room. Where we didn't need to do anything or say anything and we would just be as we are, soulmates. I remember the times where I would wipe your tears and hold your hand and, though weakened by the blades of love myself, I would try my best to be there for you. Because i wanted to. Because we touched each other's hearts in a way that nobody could ever replace. Because ours is a love that transcends our physical distance. And though I know that in his arms you sleep tonight, in each other's souls we stil reside. Even after all this time, even after all this while, I still miss you from the bottom of my heart.

When I finish shows with the band, I walk and stand and I greet our fans. The fans who make us happen with their love and enthusiasm for our music. The very people who keep us passionate. And I thank them, I thank them as much as I can personally. But there'll always be that part of me that knows all this will be temporary. The moment we fail to produce another hit single, or the moment we start getting predictable, it'll all go away like the blink of an eye.

We've struggled and we've prevailed for so long that I've become numb to the essence of the person I used to be. I've grown so detached from everyone and I can't relate with anyone anymore, because I don't even know how to relate with myself. It's safer to retreat and reside and refrain from committing yourself too much to one person. At least that way they won't ever take you for granted. They won't ever get the opportunity to see you weakened. and you will continue being the two dimensional person they believe you are. It's easier that way.

But every once in a while, for a few minutes or so, it seeps in.

Seeps into the cracks and erodes.

And then I find myself missing you again

Why do I do what I do, why do I keep going when I feel there's soemthing broken on the inside.

One day we will meet again
High up far away and above the rest of the world.
Isolated but not alone
:)

Bring me back all your wild whimsical fancies

I remember the days and nights we'd spend alone in your room. Where we didn't need to do anything or say anything and we would just be as we are, soulmates. I remember the times where I would wipe your tears and hold your hand and, though weakened by the blades of love myself, I would try my best to be there for you. Because i wanted to. Because we touched each other's hearts in a way that nobody could ever replace. Because ours is a love that transcends our physical distance. And though I know that in his arms you sleep tonight, in each other's souls we stil reside. Even after all this time, even after all this while, I still miss you from the bottom of my heart.

When I finish shows with the band, I walk and stand and I greet our fans. The fans who make us happen with their love and enthusiasm for our music. The very people who keep us passionate. And I thank them, I thank them as much as I can personally. But there'll always be that part of me that knows all this will be temporary. The moment we fail to produce another hit single, or the moment we start getting predictable, it'll all go away like the blink of an eye.

We've struggled and we've prevailed for so long that I've become numb to the essence of the person I used to be. I've grown so detached from everyone and I can't relate with anyone anymore, because I don't even know how to relate with myself. It's safer to retreat and reside and refrain from committing yourself too much to one person. At least that way they won't ever take you for granted. They won't ever get the opportunity to see you weakened. and you will continue being the two dimensional person they believe you are. It's easier that way.

But every once in a while, for a few minutes or so, it seeps in.

Seeps into the cracks and erodes.

And then I find myself missing you again

Bobby's friendster

http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=28698099

this is bobby's friendster account. go add the spastic sheep to ur friends list! add a testimonial for the spastic lamb also!

lyrics

“Through the rubies in the sky
I think of you and wonder why
Have we become what we never wanted to be?
Made wretched our vices and never see
That if we had just made our way and carried on
Beyond our listless woe and petty scorn
We’d be holding hands and gazing through
The mirrors of our soul"

levan, lyrics

66.6 - the number of the beast!

Please, everyone, read this
(cut and paste)
http://www.theage.com.au/news/business/singapores-farcical-election-undermines-its-achievements/2006/05/02/1146335732352.html?page=fullpage#contentSwap1


then read this
http://soft.com.sg/2006/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=14494

then read the daily PAP newsletter
..
Sorry I mean the Straits Times

at times i am everybody else's
and nobody's own
chasing an endless dream
just to get back home
and they say time will tell your fate
but who's to know what's too early
and what's too late