In the name of...

those are my fingers. not anything else

A World Without Heroes

I remember her so well. More than a year ago.
I'll always remember her. Loved her like I've loved no other. Still love her. Will always love her.

Do you people believe in soul mates? I do. And I know I've met mine.

We don't keep in touch. She has a new boyfriend. She's happier now. I'm happier now. We were so beautifully unhappy with each other, and in that sense it made the love perfectly pure.

You'll know when you met your soul mate when you have. Simple as that. It's that tingle at the base of your soul, that swelling of the heart. It's beyond true love.

In times of despair, even today, even till now, she would always message me automatically to ask how I'm doing. Always at the precise moment when I feel like giving up, she'll appear out of the blue, out of the sudden to show her face and to let me know she's still there. It's a profound moment of realization when that happens. It's like God letting you know you're never alone, in as clear a way he can possibly let you know without popping out of the heavens and going "Hey bro I'm here for u"

Always at that precise moment. I don't know how it happens, but it happens every single time.

She was suicidal. Chaotic. An untamed soul that wanted more in life but was afraid to ask for it. When she was suicidal, I'd catch the first bus and head from the East to West for her. I'd cradle her in my arms and always let her know that the world would get her down but it would never break her.

We broke up. And I'm still sure we hold each other in irreplacable spaces in our heart. No one else will ever fill that space. Yet I think we thrive as human beings apart from each other.

There is an almost serene certainty in this. To know, with every fibre of your being, that at the end of our lives, we will find ourselves together again. Not even as lovers, not even the closest friends. But is soulful entanglement. Not a word exchanged, not a kissed given, but still...there. With each other.

And so this goes out to everyone who reads this.
I know how sometimes sitting in your room alone, you feel like crying
How when everything falls to pieces, you feel like dying
Like giving up your possessions and your faith for the easy way out.
How the world misunderstands you and tries to break you
When you feel that way,
Know that I am always there for you
I might not know who you are, I might not be your friend
I might never be your lover, I might never count in your life
But whoever you are, reading this, know that I will always be here for you
As a human being in a world that threatens to kill us.
Fight on.

Love,
levan

THE SMASHING PUMPKINS!!!

For those of you listening to music's current tango machine of commercial music...follow the next few steps and receive reincarnation powers and complete enlightenment

1. Head to any good music store, HMV, Gramphony, etc
2. Search under SMASHING PUMPKINS
3. Pick out a copy of MELLON COLLIE AND THE INFINITE SADNESS
4. Buy it

Without a doubt, THE #1 album that defined the teenaged years of my friends and I. We grew up to this. It was our anthem, our bible. 28 beautiful songs that deal with teenage angst to love, to hate, to the gorgeous exploration of wildly inventive music. Those were the days. The days we spent at playgrounds listening to the album, memorizing the lyrics, and filling our English composition with words from the songs. Heck, I stole lyrics from this album, placed it into my O Level composition, and did nicely for it. Breakups, heartaches, joy and teenage devastation. Didn't matter, MELLON COLLIE was always there for us. The teenage bible.

Forget that bombastic emo invasion. LISTEN TO THIS PLEASE.

You won't regret it.

Here are some youtube links to inspire you. Nothing sounds like them these days, not even themselves. Check out the videos below. Then go get the album!

"Goodnight, to every little hour that you sleep tight"

TONIGHT, TONIGHT

My god, I LOVED THIS SONG, and I loved this video.

1979

The song that made me buy the album

BULLET WITH BUTTERFLY WINGS


"The world is a vampire" "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage"
!!!

ZERO

"Emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is clenliness and clenliness is godliness, and god is empty, just like me!"

Although from another album...still a great song

AVA ADORE


"It's you that I adore. You'll always be my whore. We will never be apart"

PLEASE GO GET THE ALBUM!!!

lyrics are posted in my comments page :)

Love, levan

the haze

wah lau the haze is horrible.
was walking with friends from Tampines Mall to back home and I swear all our noses were running, our throats dry and our lungs filled. I hear it's worse in the west side of Singapore.

the musician's life

a short history on how i got into music:

Giddy giddy gee gee! Ok I feel like ranting today.
I attended Victoria School. Love that school to bits. I don't know about how it's like now, but when I was in VS, those were the best years of my life.
I wasn't a jock stud. No. I wasn't on the debate team. No.
I was a LIBRARIAN! And also a gawky kid doing dreary paintings in the ART CLUB. :)
Didn't know any girls because I was always reading books. lol
I had 8 points for my O Levels, minus 2 for VS Affiliations and and 2 for CCAs. So that's 4.

Qualified for the various JCs.
Decided...hmmm...OK , I would rather not be exposed to horny mid-life crisis PE cum discipline masters strutting around in their fucky pants while secretly nursing hard ons staring at the JC Girls. Decided against having strict principals and the A Level thing also.

So I headed to Temasek Polytechnic to study....

...internet computing...
My classmates hated me because I never paid attention in class, I always copied my assignments, erm..... mocked their cheena accents. Played Pikachu Volleyball game in the computer labs and served the internet + played Doom 3 while my lecturers rambled on about servers, routers, and programming shite.

Formed my first band in school. Consisting of (And i'm being serious here), a gay drummer, a butch guitarist, and a lesbian bassist. I was the singer and was horrible (Still am) and the butch and lesbian players had a fling going on. They had a huge disagreement, and they both left the band. As a result, I was stuck in a band with a gay drummer. 'nuff said. No offence to faggots, but the combination of a gay guy / straight albino guy in a band is not very marketable or appealing to the masses...or anyone.

This gay drummer said to me "What's the point? If you play English songs locally, radio won't support, media won't cover, and we'll never have a #1 hit single"

Then I said "Eh fuck you, one day I prove to you that it can be done! Knnbccb"

So I quit the band and luckily I didn't get assed fucked by him. No offence to gay people, but yeah.

Graduated from Temasek Polytechnic as the Top 5 overall best student in the entire institution. Not bad for a half-fucked student I must admit! The computer geek in me is strong!!!!!!!! I can break a motherboard with my teeth. Ok maybe I can't.

Joined an internet computing firm owned by Indian immigrants, with peers from India. No offence, but I was totally outta my element there. Plus I'm albino, so the contrast in skin colour was really quite amusing if you think about it. I'm ridiculing myself, not the Indian immigrants btw.

I had a 3k salary a month.
Sat at a desk from 9-5
Day in day out
sat at a desk
day in day out
sat at a desk

then one day Sean asked me to join this rock band called Ronin.
I said no

day in day out
sat at a desk

sean asked me again, i said NOOOOOO I"M NOT GONNA JOIN ANOTHER BAND. Is the drummer gay too?!?!?!

Then one day I relented.

And the rest is history.

2 years later, I contacted the gay drummer in my original band and told him "Hey my band has a #1 hit. Just to let you know, you were totally fucking wrong!"

And since then, I never looked back. I was offered positions in overseas Universities and scholarships to study abroad. I gave that up because I couldn't be half fucked to get a piece of paper to certify my worth to a gawky overpaid boss.

I'll never look back with regrets.

Remember folks, live life once. And live it to the fullest. Because you'll never get a second chance.

...unless you believe in Buddhism and you'll be reborn...

But there might be a chance you'll be an ant in a second life. With a 30 second life span before somebody steps on you.

So yeah, do what thou wilt and thou wilt be the law.

Sorry, just rambling here.

blah blah bleeeee bleee bleep

yours,
levan

PS: I'm happy with our achievements as a band, but I hope we can become and develop into something much more. The pseudo rock posing getting a bit boring and predictable. I think we should all start wearing WALRUS OUTFITS with yellow helmets and strut around with my teeth hanging out. YOU ARE THE EGGMAN!!!

i saw eggtarts dance

i saw eggtarts dance!

whee!

I'm currently working on a solo album with Leonard Soosay and Wayne Thunder (Of the Suns) are both producers and sound engineers. And with talented musicians from bands such as Ronin, Electrico, , The Suns, Parking Lot Pimp, and many more, and vocal talents from the above mentioned bands and many more. Looking for a release sometime early next year. And support from my close friends, it's one of the best things I've ever embarked on. Looking forward to it! Will keep everyone posted :)

To the rumour mongers, and the rumours about moi.!

Oh... I've heard some juicy rumours about myself circulating through the vines!

This always baffles me because people who know me and are close to me know this really well; I like seclusion and I always hang out with a very selective group of friends. I hate social parties, light conversation and I love void decks and the East. No one will catch me at clubs regularly nor social parties. If they do, it is probably a case of mstaken identity (i.e. some other albino person with long hair? lol ok I know, chances are low haha)

Anyway, here are some rumours I heard about myself. It might be a tad bit narcissistic to post them aloud, but hey it's my blog!

I've tried to address all these rumours with as much professionalism as I can master. Those of you reading will find my answers very eloquent and comprehensive. I've put much thought and effort into getting the words just right...a balance of politeness and a clear explanation is necessary in addressing these important issues...So here goes..

Rumour #1: "Hey Levan, I heard that you have AIDS!"

My reply:

Rumour #2: "Hey Levan, I hear your band Ronin think they are better than everyone else!"


My reply:

(And I think we suck btw...)

Rumour #3: "Hey Levan, I hear you fuck all your female teenage groupies!!!"


My reply:
Fuck you, kangaroo! lol

Rumour #4: "Hey Levan, I hear you keep 6 girlfriends at once!"


My reply:

Rumour #5: "Hey Levan, I hear you drink a lot and love the wild partying life!"


My reply:

____

And there it goes!
I think I've handled these rumours very nicely! It fact, I might have been overly nice to a fault! I am seriously considering the option of running as a politician for our lovely government.

Now to the mother fuckers who call my close friends my 'teenage groupies', I think you need to find better things to do. Like maybe take up a hobby or re-introduce the rave of stamp collecting. Or start masturbating and saving your semen in a jar and give it to your mother as a Mother's Day gift.

Eeee that's gross. Levan you are one sick fuck! I slap myself then you know.

HUH?!

Ok I shall start a rumour about myself now.

I dress up in women's clothes and I eat bras for breakfast!

Ok nevermind I"m not making sense.

hee hee! :D
_____

I remember how it was growing up, always feeling like such an oddity and out of place. In fact I still feel that way. No matter how many times we hit the stage to perform. I've accustomed myself to it, and I wear it on my sleeve. I believe that all of us, in our own little ways, feel out of place sometimes. I believe we all have our moments sitting in our room and not knowing where we fit in in this world. Perhaps mine is of a more physical obviousness, but I think on the inside, somewhere in our soul, we feel that pinch of loneliness sometimes. Of being misunderstood, and misinterpretted, and feeling unimportant to the grand plan of things.

To those that feel that way, don't.
Don't let anyone ever tell you what you are worth and what your life means. Because that is a decision left in your own hands.
And remember, everytime that tingle of loneliness and uncertainty creeps in, love is everlasting. And you see it in your friends and family.

Never give up on your dreams.

Because if you take away your dreams, what are we left with but an empty shell of broken promises to ourselves.

The Reality Of It All

On the porch somewhere near the basketball court, beyond the haze that looms over us, I discovered a relative reality of myself. I look up to the everything that is above and I wonder; have we been conditioned to believe in our sense of self worth? The idealism of destiny and wishfulness of fate? Or are we just deluding ourselves into thinking that each of us has a pre-ordained importance to the world and people around us? Is everything that happens to us part of a greater plan from our divine master, or is it totally random shit?

There are days when I believe in my own destiny; where everything happens for a reason, and each learning curve is a stepping stone to where I'm supposed to be in life. That there are no boundaries, only obstacles to over come. There are no limits, only imaginary lines. And then there are times when everything comes crushing down and I look about me and I think to myself; "FUCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

Is it better to live in our own delusions and be comforted by them, or is it more important to face the facts of reality? Maybe we all try to be martyrs to ourselves and to others, and are just forgetting that the world is eternally fucked

Then that relative reality passes, and everything's alright again.

Because at the end of the day, I believe that living happy in our sense of self worth and respect is much better than feeling sad and sorry for ourselves.

I know there are a number of people who are reading my blog. I'm surprised! Delighted! I shall start posting nude photos of myself on this journal space.

I'm kidding.